Non-monogamy: What do you do when you're not on the same page
Do any of these hit home for you?
Your partner wants to open up the relationship, but you aren’t so sure about it
You’re dating non-exclusively. Your lover wants to close the relationship, but you have emotional bonds with other people.
You’re comfortable with your significant other sleeping with someone else, but not developing feelings for them.
Two people in a relationship might disagree on whether to be open or even how to be open. So what do you do if you’re not on the same page?
Two questions you may be asking yourself:
Is it worth splitting up over?
What would it look like to compromise?
But before we get there, let’s dispel two myths:
Myth #1: Seeing other people is not a failure of the relationship or either person.
Western culture propagates the lie that one person should be able to meet all your needs. Sure, you need friends and family, but if you and your partner are a good match, you should fulfill each other romantically and sexually (and probably be best-friends). And, sure, sometimes this happens. But we’re all unique and have different needs. In other words:
Being attracted to others is not a failure of the relationship
Wanting to be involved with someone else doesn’t mean you are not enough for each other.
Maybe it means you (or your partner) have a high sex drive, or maybe you recognize romantic connections when others don’t. Maybe you were just born this way!
Myth #2: Being monogamous is not being weak.
When someone is asking you to be non-monogamous and you’re not super excited about it, it can feel like weakness. You’re not strong enough to handle jealousy. You’re not loving enough to want to date multiple people.
There are plenty of reasons to want to be monogamous: lack of time and energy, for instance. Or it just feels right. It doesn’t mean you’re weak.
So, you’re not on the same page with your partner. What do you do?
1. Understand that this is a compatibility issue. It may or may not be a dealbreaker.
Plenty of people who have long, happy relationships have compatibility issues. Such as:
- Being a morning or night person.
- Being a homebody or a not
- Wanting kids or not
- Political differences
- Money management differences
- A neat freak or messy
Do some of these seem less important than others? We’re all different! They’re all capable of causing some couples to break up! All relationships require some amount of sacrifices. Sometimes the sacrifice is about where to live or how you spend your Saturday nights or whether you adopt. For some, allowing their partner to sleep with other people or NOT sleeping with other people is a worthwhile sacrifice to make for someone else.
2) Figure out if it’s integral to who you are as a person.
An important question for you and your partner to ask yourselves is how important is being open to you thriving as a person?
People debate about whether non-monogamy is a lifestyle decision or an orientation. I personally believe it depends on the person — it can be either. For some, asking them to be monogamous is like asking them to not be queer or Catholic or feminine. Only you can know whether non-monogamy is an integral part of who you are or just something you’re interested in exploring.
If you’re not on the same page, and you’re committed to your partner, there’s another way to look at this:
3) What are you willing to challenge in yourself for your partner?
If you’re used to being open. How can you challenge yourself?
By attempting to form deep friendships with others that don’t involve romance or sex. If you’re used to connecting with others through specific ways, get creative! But be careful, it’s easy to slip into the realm of dishonesty here. Be very very open with your partner about how you feel about other people and what you’re trying to do. And resist environments that cause temptation.
Put the time and energy you’d spend on new relationships into hobbies, volunteering, and your partner.
If you’re not used to being open. How can you challenge yourself?
Let’s go back to myth #2 real fast. No, it’s not weak to want to be monogamous, BUT being monogamous is not a free pass to giving into things like jealousy.
The biggest reason I hear people give who want to be monogamous: I couldn’t handle the jealousy. Jealousy is fear, and you can face your fears.
The advice I give couples who are new to being open is this: Honor your comfort zones, but challenge them.
What you’ll find is that you’ll have deeper trust for your partner if you work through your fears. (Or, to be real honest, you’ll learn they’re not trustworthy.) Either way, you’ll grow.
